Friday, October 30, 2009

Orchard Garden


What: Orchard Garden in the Singapore Botanic Garden
Rating: 9
Non-Quantifiable Rating: If botanical gardens were rock stars, this would be Jimi Hendrix.


I recognize how unfair it is to review a place that, to every family member and friend I have - minus the Thielmans - is an uncomfortable 36 hour plane ride away, but I couldn't resist.
The Orchard Garden at the Singapore Botanic Garden has to be one of the top 5 prettiest places I have ever seen in my entire life. If they'd bring me food on a regular basis, I'd set up camp and live in the garden.  There are literally thousands and thousands of orchids every where you look.  This blows every other botanical garden away (take that, Como!).  I think I took 200 pictures.  Wait, here's another one:

OK.  Phew.  Anyway, the only reason this didn't score a perfect 10 is because it's so stinkin' far away!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Slaying the Dragon


What: Dragonfruit
Rating: 5
Non-Quantifiable Rating: All bark, no bite

 Upon arrival at our hotel in Singapore, we were greeted by a lovely plate of fruit.  There were a couple of apples, a couple of bananas (technically I think these were 'plantains'), an orange, and.....EGAD, WHAT IS THAT THING?!?!

My plate had been attacked by a spiny creature.  I think it wore pink to throw me off so I wouldn't see it for what it really was, which is clearly something lethal.  I was concerned for the safety of my other fruit, so I throughtfully rescued my apple (yum).  I considered how I should go about identifying this intruder.  Eyeing it suspiciously, I sat down and google imaged "tropical fruits."  A-HA!  A dragonfruit.  Aptly named indeed.

As everyone knows, the best way to slay a dragon is with a butter knife, so I did:

Interesting.  The insides of this creature look like a kiwi that has spent its life slathering on SPF 50 (as it turns out, I should have been doing the same...Singapore = close to the equator = strong sun = charbroiled Scottish girl).

I gathered up my courage and dove in, fearing the worst.  And it was..............bland.  Seriously.  Diet kiwi.  It didn't actually taste BAD, it was just dull.  How disappointing.  Good heavens, if you're going to have a terrifying, spiky exterior, shouldn't said exterior be protecting something of unparalleled value?  Dragonfruit skins should be used to house Pinot Noirs from the Burgundy region, first-run autographed copies of Charlotte's Web, and Hostess Cupcakes -- not milky, ho-hum fruits.

This is a serious evolutionary misstep indeed.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Creative Geography


What: Ad for Alcohol
Where: Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport
Rating: 2 (they would have received zero, but I appreciated the unintentional entertainment factor)
Non-quantifiable rating: Mehhh...England, Morocco....close enough.

So I'm waiting in line to board a plane to Tokyo, and I notice this ad.  It is trying to induce me to drink internationally inspired Bloody Marys.  I'm pretty sure the advertisers drank a few too many of their own product before constructing this ad.

Let's review, shall we? (after all, that's what we're here for).  The French, Mexican, and American arrows are pointed appropriately.  Well done.  The Swedish arrow, however, is pointed at Finland.  Those Swedes may maintain an air of passive neutrality, but mixing them up with their Scandinavian neighbors?  Them are fightin' words.

The Dutch arrow appears to be pointed squarely at the Eastern Bloc.  I know people in Amsterdam are frequently hopped up on various substances, but I bet if you took a poll along one of the canals, most of them would assert pretty strongly that they are not currently bordering Russia.

My favorite arrow, however, is the English one that appears to be pointed at Morocco.  Maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that perhaps the advertisers are attempting to make some kind of veiled post-colonial political statement regarding aspirational British imperialism...?

I may have dozed off a few times in Mr. Kotasek's seventh grade geography class, but I'm pretty sure this map leaves a little bit to be desired.  The yahoos who created, edited, reviewed, approved, and published this ad are all receiving paychecks, and yet somehow I can't seem to find a job in the communications field. 

And did I mention that this ad was located....in...an...AIRPORT?  Some poor, naive soul on his way to London for the first time is going to see it and get all excited about scoping out the straits of Gibraltar.  Hee hee.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Land of the Crappy, Crappy Movie


What: Land of the Lost (2009 movie, not the TV show)
Rating: 1
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Makes dead puppies seem funny.

Ohhhhhh, Will Ferrell. Why?  WHY?!?!  I used to be convinced at even the most questionable movies were worth watching if they starred Will Ferrell (ok, so that reveals something about my less-than-sophisticated taste, but whatever).  No more.  This movie was categorically awful.  I watched it on a plane to Singapore and it was so bad that I would have probably had more fun doing handstands in the airplane toilet for two consecutive hours.

When a dinosaur attacked the human characters about 15 minutes into the movie, I was already hoping that the dinosaur would gore all of them to death so the movie could end.  The only reason it even gets one point is that I couldn't bring myself to put it on the same rating level as Phil Cuzzi (see previous post).

To poorly quote a much better movie: "At no point during that rambling, incoherent film did you come anywhere close to anything resembling a joke.  We are all dumber for having listened to you.  No points will be awarded, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Friday, October 23, 2009

The Importance of Being Earnest

image (c) guthrie.com
What: The Importance of Being Earnest
Where: Guthrie Theater, Minneapolis
Rating: 7
Non-quantifiable Rating: I kinda want to party with Oscar Wilde.

I was lucky enough to get to three shows at the Guthrie this season, and this was the most recent.  The problem with well-known, classic shows is that directors have to walk a fine line between making the show fresh and interesting without re-interpreting it into a self-indulgent, pseudo-artistic mess ("I know this theater company has put on Macbeth 64 times already, but THIS time we're taking it to a deeper level by having the lead played by my pet schnauzer, Pookie!")

No schnauzers were used in the making of this production.  Director Joe Dowling played it straight and let his impeccably cast actors breathe life into the story, which revolves around rich people trying too hard and getting themselves into hilariously awkward social situations.  It's a sunny period comedy with a (very) subtle dose of social commentary, and by the end of the two hours and eighteen minutes, even the stuffiest and most determinedly unimpressable theatergoers around us were cackling.  There's nothing earth-shattering about the script or this particular performance, and it's not likely to stimulate any philosophical discussions.  However, the set was pretty, the costumes were fabulous, the actors were funny, and we left feeling properly entertained.  Kudos.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Breakfast Fail



What:  The guy who determined which foods people should eat for breakfast (there had to be a guy, right?)
Source: AOL Health
Rating: 2
Non-quantifiable rating:  This morning I'll have toast and a tranquilizer, please.

OK, how did this escape our collective attention since we developed opposable thumbs?  I just read an article that featured five foods that you should eat before bedtime if you have trouble sleeping.  Two of them were warm milk (duh) and cherries.  Fair enough.

The other three?
BANANAS, TOAST, and OATMEAL.  Can we all please utter a hearty, cooperative "WTF?!"  Are those not generally accepted as breakfast foods?!  Apparently they are all chock full of melatonin, tryptophan (the stuff that makes you go into a turkey coma), and insulin-spikers, all of which make you groggy and sleepy.
Whose idea was it to have that crap for breakfast?  Might as well have a bottle of wine and an Ambien.

Well, at least this article provides much-needed rationale for my daily dose of Chocolate Lucky Charms.  No melatonin in those puppies.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Mini-Review: Balloon Baloney

What: Balloon Boy Hoax
Rating: 0
Non-Quantifiable rating: Deflating

Zero points to Balloon Boy's parents for using their therapy-bound spawn as a publicity stunt.  A perfect 10 points, however, in the name flawless karmic retribution for the moment when the aforementioned spawn busted his parents on live TV by announcing to the entire world that the stunt was done "for the show."

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Teenybopper Alert


What: Twilight Soundtrack
Price: $11.99 on iTunes
Rating: 4
Non-Quantifiable Rating: Ooooh, goodie, the download comes with a free digital booklet so I can print out movie pictures and stickytack them to my wall (ha).

Ighhhhhh, fine, whatever, I read the books and really liked them.  Then I saw the movie and it was dreadfully acted, dreafully directed, and generally dreadful.   However, it highlighted some halfway decent music, notably two songs by Twilight star Robert Pattinson.  As much as I want to loathe him on principle, I actually really like his music (he nails that sparse, acoustic, depressing, melodic, we're-all-probably-drinking-alone-and-having-simultaneous-existential-crises quality that I seem to gravitate towards).

However, the evil producers made it so that you cannot download any of Pattinson's music individually; you have to download the entire soundtrack.  They get points for two good Pattinson songs, more points for including the geniuses Iron & Wine, another point for throwing in La Traviata and Claire de Lune at the end (millions of unsuspecting teenyboppers around the world are going "what?!  I bought CLASSICAL music?!!")  and then they lose lots of points for stuffing the rest of the soundtrack with wannabe emo crap, and lots more points because...ewwwww....I can't belive I just bought the Twilight Soundtrack.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Holy cheap wine, Batman


What: La Finca Cabernet Sauvignon 2009
Where: From your friendly local Trader Joe's
Price: $3.99
Rating: 7
Non-quantifiable rating: Hey, I dug in the couch cushions and found a few pennies, let's buy some wine!

Thank heaven for decanters.  That way you can pour a bottle of obscenely cheap wine into a lovely Riedel piece so you can stash the bottle and pretend (both to yourself and your guests) that you're drinking something that cost more than a bag of Doritos.

The La Finca line is a recent introduction from Trader Joe's.  It's actually ridiculous that this wine is even palatable.  It's pretty peppery and, at 12.5% alcohol, clocks in a bit lighter than most full-bodied, deeper Cabs.  It's nothing to write home about, but it's solidly acceptable.  In this case, the rating is directly proportionate to the price:  If I paid 30 bucks for this bottle, I'd be sorely disappointed (I'd also probably be employed in that case, so that would cheer me up a bit).  However, it's a nice alternative to the ubiquitous three buck Chuck which looks about as silly on my wine rack as Boone's Farm.  But heck, for a dollar more than Boone's Farm, La Finca is liquid gold.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Whole Wheat Bread (even YOU will like this)

What: Whole Wheat Bread
Rating: 8
Non-quantifiable rating: I bet my bread could arm wrestle Sara Lee's bread.

When I was little, I had a friend whose mom made sandwiches with Wonder Bread.  Since my adorably health-conscious parents never had anything other than Brownberry bread at our house, getting Wonder Bread sandwiches in the late 1980s was even more exciting than a Fraggle Rock marathon on TV.

Now that I'm baking a lot (and expecting my diet to get me through endurance sports), I appreciate the value of whole grains (belated apologies and thanks to Mom and Dad).  However, it's freakin' hard to find a whole wheat yeast bread recipe that is both reasonably easy and doesn't taste like insulation.  Plus, a lot of the time a recipe will claim to be whole wheat when all they did was toss in a tablespoon of whole wheat flour.  Dirty, dirty cheaters.

This recipe, courtesy of "Ridgely" on http://www.recipezaar.com/, is ridiculously easy as far as yeast bread goes, and it makes awesome sandwich bread.  My husband has test-driven this bread for lunch along with my spiced dutch apple jam (recipe forthcoming) and the gloriousness that is Better n' Peanut Butter (review forthcoming) and seems to think it's pretty good.

WHOLE WHEAT BREAD
Recipe makes 1 9x5 pan

INGREDIENTS
2 1/3 cups whole wheat flour
1/4 cup gluten flour
7/8 tablespoon instant yeast
1 2/3 cups steaming hot tap water (120° to 130°)
2/3 tablespoon salt
1/4 cup oil (I totally forgot the oil once and it still turned out fine)
1/4 cup honey OR 1/3 cup sugar
7/8 tablespoon bottled lemon juice
1 2/3 cups whole wheat flour

DIRECTIONS
1) Mix together the first three ingredients in mixer (use a dough hook if you have one).
2) Add water all at once and mix for one minute; cover and let rest for 10 minutes.
3) Add salt, oil, honey or sugar and lemon juice and beat for one minute or until combined.
4) Add last flour, a little at a time, beating regularly.
5) Beat for 6 to 10 minutes until dough pulls away from the sides of the bowl
6) Preheat oven for 1 minute to lukewarm and then turn it off.
7) Turn dough out onto oiled surface; shape it into a loaf and place in an oiled bread pan.
8) Let rise in warm oven 25-30 minutes or until dough reaches top of pan
9) Do not remove bread from oven; turn oven to 350 and bake for 30 to 35 minutes or until bread is a golden brown.
10) Remove from pan and cool on rack

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Independent


image (c) media.decider.com

What: Restaurant/Cocktails
Where: 3001 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis, MN 55408
Rating: 5
Non-quantifiable rating: Which way to the ladies' room?

Dear Independent,

I would like my liver, waistline, and dignity back, which were methodically removed by your freakishly strong Long Island Ice Teas, ridiculously large portion of nachos, and co-ed restrooms, respectively.

I'm all about value for the money, but if you're going to give me two Long Islands for the price of one, please warn me that you have stuffed every corner of the glass full of blood-sanitizing levels of alcohol. And when I asked for the sour cream on the side of my nachos, I didn't mean that I wanted you to smear my nachos with sour cream and then give me a second helping of sour cream IN ADDITION on the side.

And last, but not least, I will never go to the Independent for anything other than happy hour because a) the deals are much better at happy hour, b) after 7pm I don't think they let you in unless you are trying too hard, and c) I never want to stay long enough that I need to use their super bizarre co-ed bathroom (nothing like getting leered at by drunk guys while you're blow-drying your hands).


Love,
Everybody.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Phil Cuzzi


 image (c) Noah K. Murray, the Star Ledger for US Presswire, available at http://www.usatoday.com/sports/columnist/lopresti/2009-10-10-bad-calls_N.htm

What: American League Umpire
Rating: 0
Non-quantifiable rating: How many cookies did A-Rod have to bake you for that one, Philly-poo?


For those of you who weren't glued to the Twins-Yankees playoff series, this is regarding the unbelievably poor call made by Phil Cuzzi on Friday night. Joe Mauer hit a ball that landed at least one foot clear of the foul line and bounced into the stands, which should have meant a ground rule double. In a moment of astounding visual and cognitive failure, Cuzzi called the ball foul. Even if the ball hadn't been so clearly fair, the fact that it tipped off the left fielder's glove made it a playable ball anyway.
Call me dramatic, but I'm convinced that if that ball had been called correctly, the Twins would have ended up on top of that game, which they eventually lost 3-4 in extra innings.
If my job was to make pizzas and I had a really important order come through and I accidentally sprinkled arsenic and cow dung on the pizzas, I'd lose my job. Phil Cuzzi's job is to keep the game fair. He categorically botched this game, and he doesn't deserve his job either.
Apparently Cuzzi was "released" from minor leage umping duties earlier in his career. Maybe Derek Jeter re-hired him...?

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Un-Noodley Spaghetti Squash Lasagna Casserole


What: Spaghetti Squash Lasagna Casserole
Rating: 8
Non-quantifiable rating: Noodles? Who needs noodles?


My dad's phenomenal garden produced some phenomenal spaghetti squash this year. I went hunting for recipes that would showcase his squash, and came across this one by "76sarah" on http://www.recipezaar.com/ and then, per usual, doctored the crap out of it. I almost ignored it, because it's technically lasagna but doesn't actually have any noodles in it. Since I'm an incurable carb addict, this was nearly a deal-breaker. However, I made it and I'm glad I did.
My husband raved about it so much that I made a bigger version for dinner for 12 in honor of my Alaskan brother, sister-in-law and niece coming into town for Twin Cities marathon. I made it vegetarian using Boca Italian Sausage, but the original recipe calls for meat and I'm assuming most of the world would prefer it that way. I also cut the fat way down by substituting the ricotta cheese for fat free cottage cheese, and no one could tell the difference. The major must-do is to find really good goat cheese - don't sub, don't skip - it makes all the difference! The way I made it came out to about 330 calories per 1/8 of a 9x13 pan which is a massive serving. So have three.
SPAGHETTI SQUASH LASAGNA CASSEROLE
Serves 8 (large portions)
INGREDIENTS

1 large spaghetti squash
4 oz. chevre (goat) cheese
15 oz. fat free cottage cheese
8 oz. mozzarella cheese (grated)
1 egg (or 1/4 cup of egg substitute)
1/4 c. grated parmesan cheese
2-28 oz. cans of whole tomatoes with basil (drained)
1lb. of ground Italian turkey sausage or Boca substitute
1 small onion, finely diced
4 large garlic cloves, minced
salt and pepper to taste (I used a LOT of pepper)
2 T. olive oil
DIRECTIONS

1) Preheat oven to 400 degrees
2) Prick squash all over with a fork and roast it in an oven (put it in a pan with a little water in the bottom) for an hour or so, or until it's soft when you press on it
3) Take it out and leave it on the counter until cool
4) Meanwhile, brown sausage in a large pot or dutch oven with 1 T olive oil, breaking it up into small pieces. When brown, add onion and half of garlic. Cook until onion is transparent and add tomatoes, breaking them up with a spoon. Partially cover and simmer over low heat for a couple of hours (make sure to give it at least 90 minutes, preferably 2 hours, so it can "think about itself"). Stir once in a while; add salt and pepper to taste.
5) When squash is cool, cut it in half and scoop out the seeds. Scoop the rest of the squash into a bowl and set aside (blend for a minute or so if necessary if it is too chunky). Add the rest of the garlic to the rest of the olive oil in a large frying pan over medium heat. When the garlic becomes fragrant, add spaghetti squash and saute for a few minutes until the squash begins to brown. Add salt and pepper to taste.
6) Mix together ricotta, chevre, parmesan, egg, and half of the mozzarella.
7) Preheat oven to 375 degrees and pour a ladleful of sauce in the bottom of the lasagna pan to coat. Add squash. Top squash with the ricotta cheese mixture and top the whole thing off with the rest of the sauce and then the rest of the mozzarella. Bake for one hour until brown and bubbling all over. IMPORTANT: Let it rest for 10 minutes before serving.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Twin Cities Marathon



What: Twin Cities Marathon
Where: a 26.2 mile course from downtown Minneapolis to downtown St. Paul
Rating: 8
Non-quantifiable rating: Pretty leaves, but has anyone seen my hamstring?
Twin Cities Marathon was the first marathon I ever watched. I don't remember how old I was, but I do remember seeing the first female runner trot by at around mile 22. Suffice it to say, she had lost control of several of her bodily functions by this point in the race.After that graphic induction, it's amazing I ever pursued marathoning at all.
I have enjoyed spectating at Twin Cities many times (the above incident has proved to be an isolated event) but never ran it until this year. My darling sister-in-law, Sarah - not quite five months post-partum - signed up to run with me.
This was marathon number 10 for me - and my first one in the greater metro area - and I had low expectations for time and high expectations for the course. Billed as "the most beautiful urban marathon in America," the course lived up to the hype. Even though I've run most of the course dozens of times in training, the scenery was so strikingly beautiful that it made me re-fall in love with my hometown (St. Paul) and my adopted home of Minneapolis.
The conditions were flawless (40s-50s and sunny), the volunteers and race organization were fabulous and the crowd support was unparalleled. There's nothing like Alan Page on the tuba to get you going on a chilly morning! Sarah's friend Ryan joined us for much of the race, and my brother Ian ran the final 14 miles with us.
The hills started to take a toll on my wonky hamstring by the time I was summiting the aptly named Summit Avenue, but we kept up a solid pace and I ended up taking 45 seconds off my best ever time. It's pretty satisfying flying down the final hill toward the capitol in St. Paul.
They get two points off for the stupid hills at the end and the fact that the race forced me into the sober cab role at St. John's homecoming the night before, but all in all, this one would be hard to beat.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Heartbreaker

image (c) flickr


What: Clothing Store
Where: 2941 Hennepin Ave., Minneapolis, MN 55408
Rating: 6
Non-Quantifiable Rating: For the persistent and/or trashy (I optimistically assign myself to the former category...)


This place would get another point from me if I didn't feel like I was putting on an involuntary amateur porn show every time I step into their dressing rooms. Darn you, Heartbreaker, and your flimsy, not-wide-enough dressing room curtains! And would it kill those creepy voyeurs to put a mirror in the room? I guess it's a good preventative measure to keep those of us in the over-21 age group from even daring to try on stuff that's too trampy to wear in the communal mirror area (yes, I'm talking to you, girls at the Uptown Drink).
Bottom line = a lot of the stuff is pretty fugly and will be out of style by the time you make it to the cash register, but if you're willing to hunt you can find some good going out tops for under $20, some decent non-name brand jeans for $30, and then be viciously sucked in by the horrifically beautiful display of $200 jeans. Grrrr.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Isles Bun & Coffee

image (c) yelp.com

What: Coffee Shop
Where: 1424 W. 28th Street; Minneapolis, MN 55408
Rating: 9
Non-quantifiable Rating: Break me off a piece of that puppy dog tail.



I'm obsessed with this place, and everyone else in Minneapolis should be obsessed with it too.

It's independent, unpretentious, adorable, and has this fabulous this-is-who-we-are-so-take-us-or-leave-us attitude.

And if I was going to be stranded on a desert island, I think the three things I would take with me would be an iPod, a library of books, and an unlimited supply of puppy dog tails from Isles Bun & Coffee. These oddly named, twisty little pastries with DIY frosting should be famous worldwide. They are cheap, and they are life-changing. Especially if you can get them hot out of the oven, which is often the case. I'm getting cravings just thinking about it (if only they were open late night, they would make a KILLING on these things with the post-bar crowd).

As if that isn't enough, their vegan scones are literally the best scones I've ever had in my life, and they have very good coffee as well.

They don't host art shows and acoustic concerts to lure all you emos, but if you just want good, cheap, high quality, fresh-baked stuff with fast, no-nonsense service, you absolutely cannot do better than this place. Worth going out of your way.
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